


Beat Bobby Flay

by F_Thot_Fitzgerald



Category: Beat Bobby Flay (TV), Diners Drive-ins and Dives, Drake & Josh, Food Network RPF, It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, Old Town Road - Lil Nas X ft. Billy Ray Cyrus (Music Video), iCarly
Genre: Gen, THIS IS SATIRE
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-03
Updated: 2020-10-12
Packaged: 2021-03-07 20:41:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,265
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26783839
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/F_Thot_Fitzgerald/pseuds/F_Thot_Fitzgerald
Summary: Guy Fieri always disliked Bobby Flay. Their philosophies around food simply clashed. However, when Bobby proves to be a threat to the world at large, Guy must assemble a team like no other to defeat Bobby and his minions.
Comments: 6
Kudos: 5





	1. Chapter 1

“Chef Bobby, Chef James,” the host said, “the judges have decided a winner.”  
James was waiting for this moment. If he won, it would surely be attractive to people who may consider working with him. Beating a chef as great as Bobby Flay would certainly advance his culinary career. Though, losing would be fine. Right…?  
“The winner, and it’s not unanimous,” one of the judges announced, “is Bobby Flay. Congratulations.”  
“Congratulations,” James said to the more experienced chef, reaching out his hand for a handshake.  
Bobby took it, saying, “You made some great dishes, too. You should be proud.”  
James made his way to the dressing room to gather his things and leave. I may have lost, but the judges seemed to like my dishes, and Bobby himself even said so right after, he thought to himself. I just have to take their advice and work to better myself.  
Despite his loss, James felt very optimistic for what his culinary future held. As he was gathering his things, another individual entered the dressing room. He turned around, and it was no other than Bobby Flay. Bobby was silent.  
“Chef Flay!” James exclaimed, “It was such an honor to compete against you this evening. Thank you so much!”  
Bobby didn’t respond, and simply smirked at the praise lauded on him by the less experienced chef. He lowered his head and placed his hand atop James’ head.  
“Chef Flay, what are you doing?”  
“с̶̪̝̈́п̷̗̑а̷̯̰̎с̵̳̱̃͝и̵͇͝б̴̰̉о̷̡̬̄ ̴͓̺́̏з̸̪͎а̵͓̋̔ͅ ̶͙̙͋в̷̱̲͗͝а̵̮͖̉ш̴̖ӯ̵̤͚ ̶͉͈͐ж̴̢̰е̷̜̒͝р̷̫̊̀т̷̺̿в̵̨̣̏͒у̸̱͙̓,̴̮͓̑ ̵̖̫͑̈́м̸̡̬̑о̴͕͒л̵̨̐̕о̶̮д̶̖̈̾о̵̲̮̓̔й̷̻͙͋̀ ̷̹̓ч̶͎́е̴̦̯̿̕л̷͓̑о̴̜͓̐͆в̷͙͓̈́ё̸̝́͜к̷͕̂,” Bobby said before knocking the younger man unconscious.  
Bobby bit his competitor’s wrist, sucking the life force completely out of him, absorbing his culinary abilities. The younger man’s body shriveled, dry and lifeless.  
“И̵͕͚̅с̴̭̑ч̴̞̺̀ѐ̴͚̖͐з̶͙͊̇н̷̟͗̊͜у̵͇͓̓т̶̖̒̿ь̶̧͙̾̀,” Bobby said, gesturing his hand toward the corpse of his competitor. The body then vanished into nothing. Bobby left the studio in silence.  
This is what happens when Bobby Flay beats you.  
Bobby wasn’t always like this. In early seasons of his show, losing still allowed competitors the luxury of walking out alive. Some advanced a bit in their culinary careers from simply being able to compete with the more experienced chef. Around season 6, however, something changed. He began sucking the life force out of people who lost at his show. Once every four or five losers, at first. As he beat people, though, he gained a hunger. He wanted to absorb as much culinary knowledge as possible. 25 seasons in, he now killed and absorbed the knowledge and life force of almost every finalist to lose to him.  
Beating Bobby Flay was a rare feat. Bobby knew that beating him would bring renown to these chefs. As much as he wanted to absorb the knowledge of these rare few, he knew this would be too suspicious, so he stuck with losers only.  
Bobby left the studio silently, arousing absolutely no suspicion.

Guy Fieri enjoyed the company of many of his fellow Food Network chefs. He especially liked those who shared his philosophy of making the world of food more accessible to everyday folks. That was the point of his show Diners, Drive-Ins, and Dives, after all.  
He didn’t like Bobby Flay. The entire concept of having a show devoted to having less known, often less experienced chefs beat him in a cooking competition was absurdly egotistical to Guy. He simply was not a fan of Flay’s perceived arrogance. A chef like Gordon Ramsay was different. While he may be arrogant, Ramsay tries to teach those he has on his shows. He may come off as harsh, but he genuinely cares about what he does. Guy had a great respect for that.  
He had to meet with Bobby later that day. He dreaded this meeting. Bobby seemed to dislike him, which is fine. But the two men have had several arguments about who deserves to be in the world of food. Guy believed the answer to be “everyone,” while Bobby was more selective. Guy found this elitist, and wasn’t afraid to let Bobby know this. Guy dreaded his meeting with Bobby, but made his way toward the studio.

Carly Shay, Sam Puckett, and Freddie Benson walked down a bustling New York City street. This wasn’t the group’s first time in the city, but they enjoyed it deeply nonetheless. They decided to find their way to a restaurant, as it was about time for dinner. Sam and Freddie began looking up nearby restaurants to see what they were in the mood for. Carly looked around as she reached through her pocket, trying to find her phone. She noticed a man with spiked, bleached hair walking past.  
Is that… Guy Fieri?  
She approached the man quietly, as not to draw other people to him.  
“Excuse me, sir,” Carly asked, “are you Guy Fieri? I’m a huge fan.”  
“Yeah,” Guy responded, “always nice to meet a fan. What’s your name?”  
“Carly.”  
“Nice to meet you, Carly. You from New York?”  
“Nah, my friends and I live in Seattle,” Carly explained, “we’re just visiting. We like it here.”  
“Cool! I know some good restaurants around here,” Guy said, “if you all are looking for a place to eat.”  
“That would be great!”  
Guy then gave Carly several recommendations, from upscale restaurants to older, more low-key places.  
Carly thanked him. “Hey, my friends and I host a show on the internet called iCarly! If you’re ever in Seattle, we’d love to have you as a guest, if you’d like,” she explained before handing him a business card with some contact information on it.  
Guy smiled and took the card. “That sounds awesome, thank you. Next time I’m in Seattle, I’ll contact you all!”  
“Awesome!”  
“Sorry to cut this short, but I’ve gotta run, I have a meeting with Bobby Flay.”  
“No worries! Thank you for the recommendations!”  
“Of course! I’ll be in touch next time I’m in Seattle,” Guy said, before waving and heading to his meeting.  
Carly ran back to her friends, who were still looking for a restaurant.  
“Guess who I just met!” she exclaimed.  
“Who?” Freddie asked.  
“Guy Fieri!”  
“No way!” Sam responded.  
“He recommended some places to eat, and he said he would contact us about being on the show next time he’s in Seattle!”  
“That’s awesome!” Freddie and Sam replied in unison.  
The three then agreed on a restaurant, one of Fieri’s recommendations. They made their way to the cozy eatery and enjoyed their meal.

Guy continued to walk the streets of Manhattan, searching for Bobby’s studio. He checked the time. 6:57, shit, I’m gonna be late. Bobby hated when people made him wait. But I met someone cool. I feel like we’ll cross paths again.  
Guy soon entered the studio, a few minutes late, and was met with a bizarre presence.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Guy makes friends and enemies, causing him to contemplate his safety on the east coast.

Upon entering the studio, Guy was immediately met with a disapproving glare from Bobby Flay. Alongside the prideful chef sat Paula Deen, Simon Cowell, and Jeff Bezos. What’s going on here? Didn’t Paula Deen’s career get ruined when she was discovered to have used racial slurs?  
Guy’s questions were answered when Jeff Bezos spoke.  
“Take a seat, Guy,” he commanded as the spiky haired chef sat. “I want you, Bobby, and Paula to be my personal chefs.”  
“Why us? I feel like that’s a weird combination,” Guy questioned.  
“Bobby because I appreciate his… energy. Paula because, well, I like butter. And you, well…” He paused for a few seconds. “You because I want you to take me to Flavortown.” He continued with a wink.  
Skeeved out by this, he asked, “Wouldn’t hiring Paula be controversial? What with the slurs and all.”  
“I don’t care about people,” Bezos said, “I’m the CEO of Amazon!”  
“What does Simon Cowell have to do with this?”  
“He’s gonna be the head of Amazon’s new record company, Amazon Records.”  
“I see…” Guy responded, unsure of how to act. He disliked everyone at this table very strongly. “I am very uncomfortable with the energy we have created in the studio.”  
“Don’t worry, Guy… I won’t let anything bad happen to you, as long as you join us.” Jeff attempted to reassure the concerned chef.  
This was to no avail. “I appreciate your offer, sir, but I’m going to have to decline.”  
“You’re going to regret that, lad,” Simon warned.  
“Indeed,” Jeff agreed.  
“с̶͉̳̈́͌о̶̭͚͘п̴͚͝р̸̙͎͊̆о̵̨̤̃͛т̶̮̲̄ӣ̷̫̳̀в̸̩̭̂л̷̰̈я̴̗͋͗т̸̗ь̵̮̈́с̶̝̟̕я̴̩̎ ̴̟̀̈́и̶̰̅̽ ̵̡͌̂п̴̫̦̕о̶̪̅̋г̷̗̑̆͜и̶̳̯̐̍б̷̲̉͝н̴̧̪̑̅у̶̺̅́͜т̷̫͍́͋ь̸͚̜̇̑,” Bobby said, his eyes glowing red. He got up from his seat, revealing a baseball bat that he had kept concealed.  
Guy knew that in a fight against four other people, he was no match. He got up and ran as quickly as he could. Bobby levitated, and quickly floated to the door, blocking it. Guy braced himself as Bobby raised the bat, preparing to swing it at the blond chef, when Bobby was knocked from the air by a short yet strong figure. Guy moved his arms from his face, and saw Danny DeVito standing in front of him. Bobby was unconscious on the floor.  
“I have the entire cast and crew of It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia in the next room. If you don’t want this to escalate, I suggest you let Guy here go,” Danny said to Jeff, Paula, and Simon.  
“Fine, you can go for now,” Jeff said, “but I promise you that if I ever see you again, it won’t be pretty.”  
“Thank you, Danny,” Guy said before hurriedly leaving the studio.

Guy safely returned to his hotel room. He wanted to think of a way to thank Danny for happening to hear the commotion and intervene, as it had quite possibly saved his life. He also thought of his Food Network career. Bobby had significant power there; Guy’s time with the network was probably over. That’s fine, I really don’t like dealing with that asshole anyway.   
He heard a commotion outside, followed by some music. He thought the song that was playing sounded familiar, though he couldn’t quite place it. Perhaps it was on the radio? He looked out the window and saw Lil Nas X and Billy Ray Cyrus performing an impromptu concert for a growing crowd. Guy decided to go down and check it out. It may be a good way to wind down from the day he just had, after all.   
Guy enjoyed the concert very much. He figured that Nas’ philosophy about country music was similar to his own surrounding food. Both worked to diversify their industries, and Guy knew it. He enjoyed the music, and eventually the concert came to an end. He hung around a bit, hoping to possibly have a conversation with the two men.  
“Hey, man, is that Guy Fieri?” Nas asked Billy Ray.  
“Well, smack my goat and call me stupid, it is!” Billy Ray responded.  
“Hey, Guy!” Lil Nas called out to the blond.  
Guy Fieri walked up to the two musicians and struck up a conversation.  
“Nas, Billy, I love what you do. Music shouldn’t be as rigidly defined as it always has been,” he said. “And Billy, I’ve always been a fan of your music, so to see you and Nas working together is awesome.”  
“Thank you! Your show’s great, too.” Billy replied.  
“Thanks, man! I love your work, too!” Nas responded, “Giving small restaurants the hype they deserve is tough, but really cool!”  
“Thank you,” Guy said, “By the way, it’s awesome that you were able to just perform here.”  
“Yeah, the people here are real chill, so it was easy,” Nas said.  
Guy suddenly saw a familiar face in the crowd. Shit, he thought to himself.  
“Nas, Billy, I have to go. Here’s my card, do contact me any time.” Guy handed the two men his card before retreating to his hotel room.  
“What is he running from?” Nas questioned, looking around.  
“Is that Paula Deen?” Billy asked.  
“Oh, shit, yeah!” Nas responded. “She’s racist, but I don’t get why he considers her a threat.”  
“Maybe we should ask him some time,” Billy concluded.

Guy made it to his hotel room and took out his computer. He frantically tried to decide where to go. He decided he should probably go far away from New York for the time being, but he wasn’t sure where. I haven’t been to California in some time. Maybe there? He took some time to think on it before finally deciding to book a hotel in San Diego. He booked a plane ticket for the following morning, closed his computer, took a shower, and went to bed.

The next morning, Guy called an Uber and made his way to the airport. He made it through security at 9:30am, with plenty of time to spare before his 10:30 flight. He decided to just relax. He looked at his phone and saw a text.  
Hey, it’s Nas. I just wanted to make sure everything is ok. I mean, I know Paula Deen is racially insensitive, but I wouldn’t think she’s a huge threat. If you need anything, lmk.  
That’s nice, Guy thought to himself. He decided that he would answer when he made it to San Diego safely. For now, he would wait for his flight to board.  
“Now boarding out of gate C, flight 420 to San Diego, business class,” a woman said over the loudspeaker.  
That’s me, Guy thought to himself, as he got up to board his flight.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Once "crazy" Steve makes meaningful new connections, as well as more progress with his mental health than he ever would have expected.

Guy’s plane landed at San Diego International Airport about six hours later without any problems. I’ll be fine here, for now at least. He really didn’t want to have to fight anyone. He especially felt threatened by the team Bobby seemed to have assembled. Jeff Bezos? Simon Cowell? Maybe their threats meant nothing. He hoped their threats meant nothing. He made his way to his hotel room, trying to draw as little attention to himself as possible.

Steve stood outside The Premiere movie theater, waiting for someone. He was eager to meet this new friend- since he had started therapy, he was doing a lot better with his life, and was excited to start this new chapter. 

Steve had met this friend online, in some art subreddits and forums. Steve took to painting to help him with his emotional issues, at the advice of his therapist, and this friend of his took notice and offered some advice and lent an ear to Steve in worse times. The two grew to confide in each other and become pretty great friends. They were about to meet each other for the first time, and Steve couldn’t be more excited.

“Steve?” 

“ShayPaints?”

“Ah, right. My real name is Spencer,” the long-haired man said, extending his hand for a handshake. “Didn’t want to give my name out to strangers; I have a bizarre history with the internet.”

“I understand,” Steve replied. “Did you have a hard time finding the theater? I tried to be clear in my directions.”

“No, your directions were good, don’t worry,” Spencer reassured his new friend. “There’s so much here! I already took some pictures to inspire my work.”

“That’s so cool! I mostly paint on my feelings, so it’s hard for me to just take an image and base something on it.” Steve remarked.

“That’s okay, everyone has their strengths.” Spencer encouraged his friend. “You’ll get better at a greater variety of things with time. You’re already pretty good!”

Steve smiled. The concept of having a friend like this was foreign to him. Before he started getting help, his only friends were his coworkers at the Premiere. He enjoyed his time working there, and liked his coworkers, but being referred to as “Crazy Steve” all the time really wore down his spirits. His therapist had encouraged him to talk to his coworkers about it and set healthier boundaries, and once he had mustered up the courage, they agreed and apologized. Things were improving for him, but to have a friend who simply never referred to him as crazy in the first place, and even validated him, was a new, liberating feeling.  
“Are you hungry?” Steve asked.

“Yeah, actually. Do you know any places?”

“What are you in the mood for?”

“You pick,” Spencer replied, “You know the area!”

“I know a great pizza place,” Steve said.

“Let’s go!” 

The two walked to Steve’s favorite pizza place, chatting and laughing the entire way. Both young men had stories to tell about various adventures they’ve had throughout their lives. Spencer told of the time when a child held him prisoner, and Steve told of the time when he was trapped in his coworker, Josh’s house during a storm. The two bonded very well, and Steve was thrilled to have someone he could talk to so easily. 

The two finished their meal, paid, and left. They decided to walk to a nearby park, chatting along the way. While there, they spotted a vaguely familiar blonde haired man.

“Hey, is that Guy Fieri?” Spencer asked.

“I think it might be.”

The two approached the man. “Hey guys, what’s up?” He asked.

“We’re big fans!” Spencer told him.

“Aw, thanks!” Guy said, “Wanna take a selfie together?”

“Sure!” Spencer replied.

The three men took a selfie together. Guy then asked, “Hey, do you two know of anywhere good to eat around here?”

“We actually just ate at an excellent pizza place,” Spencer said.

“Head- head that way, go two blocks, turn left, go another block, and it’s on your lef-left,” Steve struggled a little with the words, but he was happy to help. He had never spoken to a celebrity before. In the past, it would have been too much for him.

“Thanks!” Guy responded, “I’m off.”

“Wait..” Steve said.

“What’s up?”

“We’re both artists. If you ever need any sort of artwork or promotion done, feel free to contact us,” Steve said, handing Guy a piece of paper with his email address on it. 

“Here’s my card, too.” Spencer said, handing Guy his business card.

“Oh, sweet! I’ve been looking for some artists for a project I’m working on!” Guy took the paper and put it in his wallet, “I’ll be in touch! Thanks a lot!”

Guy walked off, and Spencer turned to Steve in disbelief.

“That was so cool!” he exclaimed.

“I, I don’t know what came over me…” Steve said.

“How do you feel, man?” Spencer asked.

“So good!” Steve exclaimed, feeling liberated. He thought the possibility of working with Guy Fieri may be cool, but what really mattered to him here was the fact that he was able to even build up the courage to do that in the first place. Before he started going to therapy and working through his problems three years ago, he wouldn’t even be out here. 

The sun began to set. Euphoria filled his heart, as he looked at his new friend. 

“Thank you, Spencer’” he said, “today was the best day I’ve had in a really long time.”

“Of course!” Spencer replied, “It was really great to meet you.” 

“Same time tomorrow?” Steve asked.

“Same time tomorrow.” Spencer confirmed.

The two men stayed a little while longer. They watched as the sky turned a brilliant yellow. Steve began to sing.

“She’ll be comin’ around the mountain when she comes...:”

Spencer remembered this- he used this song for comfort and affirmation.

Spencer joined. “She’ll be comin’ ‘round the mountain when she comes!”

“She’ll be comin’ round the mountain, she’ll be comin’ round the mountain, she’ll be comin’ round the mountain when she comes!” The two finished triumphantly, as the sky faded into a gorgeous black.

The two parted ways. Spencer was happy to have made a new friend, as was Steve.


End file.
